Feel Brighter

When I  first named this blog The Sunshine State, it was meant to be a play on words.  It was partly intended to be an expose on living the Florida lifestyle but mostly a weak attempt to be more positive - to create more joy.  And while I can't speak for the masses of followers, I think it has, (at the very least), made me feel better at times.  It sounds stupid, but my family says that they know when I'm blogging because a goofy smirk becomes fixed on my face. 

Yet every since my father died, it feels like whatever brightness I used to have has faded.  No matter how many candles I light for him in his honor, my life feels darker now.  It's like he went away and we're all waiting for him to come back but he's missing without a trace.

This time of year, especially Thanksgiving, is one of the hardest.  I used to go all out and cook all of these overly ambitious, customized dishes for my parents or drive down to their home and walk in to all my favorites laid out but not now.  It's not going to be like that again.  No more sweet potato monstrosity that only a father could love, no crumbs on the floor to complain about or cheap wine from a box, and no special prayer. 

From the time we were young, my father would always say grace on that day. An intended  moment of gratitude that, for him, would go on for over five minutes with him giving thanks for all of the small things working his way up to what mattered the most to him - his family.  It was a tradition.  One we would all hold back our laughter from just to diffuse his emotion as we didn't know how to handle such a dramatic speech from someone who usually hid his feelings behind a guise of sweet goofiness.  It was the only time we ever saw him choke up and really openly express himself.  When he wasn't outside with his pack of cigarettes and his travel mug full of whiskey trying to cover up his bad childhood, lost dreams, and insecurities so he could keep taking care of his wife and five children but really with us.  He was much deeper than most people gave him credit for and had a way of talking that drew people to him.  I miss the way he spoke.