In an attempt to motivate our ten year old to willingly dress nicely for school, (ie. wear a new button down shirt with sporty cargo shorts and not an old, faded t-shirt with polyester blend gym shorts), his father decided the best route was to appeal to his prepubescent hormones. "Cute girls really like boys who look sharp. You might even get to first base if you play your cards right buddy,(insert big kissy sounds here.) "WHAT THE HELL MAN?! LET'S JUST TAKE THE TESTOSTERONE DOWN A NOTCH! I'M NOT LOOKING TO BE A GRANDMA NEXT YEAR!!!!! He does not know about that game nor should he be stepping up to the plate with his bat for any reason at this point. There will be no puppy dog eyes, no hand holding, and definitely no girlfriends until I am good and ready for that and that's not happenin' any time soon.
Without wasting any time, it became painfully clear that my sweet, little boy has been asking some questions of late, courtesy of that wonderful show, Monday Night Raw. For those of you who haven't had the privilege, this is a platform for promoting the overpriced sales of WWE wrestling to large arenas everywhere and it is pure evil. They have to know that their main demographic is boys 12 and under, yet that didn't stop that dumbass, Dwayne whatever, The Rock from talking a lot of trash. Normally they gear their insults towards their steroid inflated competitor during their one on one staring contest, but this time the aging meathead had to drag his high school sweetheart into the ring. Yes, with the cubic zirconia of the championship belt gleaming in the spotlight, the same guy who wore a tutu as the Tooth Fairy in the movie with the same name, held his prize accessory triumphantly over his head as he stated, "And this also goes out to my high school girlfriend who didn't let me get to second base." (Yeah, I'm sure she's glued to the TV watching her old boyfriend who dumped her right before prom because she wouldn't put out when Glee reruns are on. Please.)
To this my son replied, "Oh, did girls used to play on the same baseball team as the boys did back then?" thus prompting my husband to guide him into the mysteries of sex education as only he knows how. Forget about steering his offspring gently down the path of manhood with thoughtful information on the dramatic changes his body will be going through and how to respectfully handle his new found desires for the opposite sex. No, D. just got right to the point and ran through all of the bases with him in record time, while aging him three years in the process. He bluntly informed him that first base is kissing, second is the additional touching of the boobs, third is the added benefit of squeezing her butt, and fourth is all of the above with her deep desire to want to make you a milkshake to top it all off. And yes, he meant that literally and yes, now the poor boy doesn't know what to think, especially since I've made him this very same treat several times before. It's pretty safe to say that he now thinks he's repeatedly hit a home run with his mom. Thanks, sweetie.
The "real" detailed talk may have been adverted for the time being but now we have to worry about him getting overly aroused at the sight of a Sonic sign or wanting to bring ice cream, milk, and a blender to coed birthday parties. And I thought it was disturbing enough to see him ogle the scantily clad Divas on that same program or to hear him sing lyrics in the shower like "Sunkissed skin so hot we'll melt your popsicle". Is he fantasizing about girls in bikinis and daisy dukes or is he thinking about those Spongebob popsicles that look just like Spongebob that only the ice cream man has?
One thing that's for certain is that it's only a matter of time before he asks what wrapping the weasel means and I'm really not in any hurry to start that awkward conversation considering his father and I didn't exactly follow that advice when he and his brother were conceived. Then again, that would illustrate the point well... But I think it's best that I field that question and all other subsequent inquiries for that matter, for although my husband may have the best intentions, he seems to be sugar coating the facts just a bit.
Oh, and by the way, California ain't got nothing on these girls...
YouTube - Ohio Girls
or these fine specimens either. Ohio is the best!
YouTube - California Gurls by Katy Perry PARODY (Ohio Gurls)
