Every now and then a new product comes along that is so elegantly simple yet unbelievably useful that you wonder why no one came out with it sooner. Just when I thought nothing could top lipstick with enough lead content to stay on all day and through vigorous applications of makeup remover, there comes an invention that will revolutionize relationships for generations. No, it's not just plain communication which costs nothing. It's something much more passive and overpriced for those who, for whatever reason, just don't want to be bothered with that silly talking nonsense.
It's... the His and Her PMS Calendar and it's amazing! Guys get PMS too? When did that happen? Because, correct me if I'm wrong but, don't you think there would already be a magic pill to end PMS for good if men actually had to live through one day of these symptoms? I mean, if Hugh Hefner, (who can hardly get up from his revolving bed), can rise to the occasion in less time it takes for a Dominoes pizza to come to your door, then surely they can find a cure for a problem millions of women face every month.
In a perfect country there would be equality, but until the man is ready to share his power for the benefit of all, we will just have to rely on this remarkable discovery. Every day we ladies just check the box that best describes how we're feeling and write down the number that corresponds to what we need and presto - thy will be done as it is in Heaven. Hell, with it's highly organized layout and basic face icons it's practically fool proof. Your partner doesn't even have to be literate to understand it. (In fact, if they don't get that your hormones go haywire every month so that you can create life, then chances are you haven't picked yourself a real smart and/or compassionate cookie. In this way it also serves as the perfect dumbass meter to use prior to making any serious commitment. Just think of how much time you could save.) But turnabout is fair play as there is even a spot for men to "check in" too, as whatever they're going through will no doubt be more pressing than your physical and emotional discomfort, especially during those special times of the month.
Thanks Mr. Man! I'm dialing the 1800 number to order one as I type. But until that lucky day comes,I've created my own mock calendar with a plain white piece of paper and a black sharpie. Let's see, today I am tired and bloated to the point where it looks like I'm expecting :( I need a maid, a chef, and someone to take care of the kids so I can enjoy my chocolate with my Midol in peace and quiet and then slip under the covers to watch some Housewives of New Jersey followed by a nice, long nap. (Those women will take a bitch out at the first sign of cramps.) Oh, and I could also use another calendar to put up right next to the appointment book at Medi. As a matter of fact, it could be used for all of the female clients. That way we could try to synchronize our cycles and the staff could take those days off every month. Nevertheless, no one should have to step foot on a scale, let alone have to explain to their male doctor, who looks like their father just what "raggin it" means.
Uh oh, looks like someone else has got a chronic case of tummy troubles and she is CRANNNNNKY! Better back the hell off, RUN to the nearest pharmacy. Remember, Prozac and Playtex PEARLS. No regular plastic applicators, EVER!!!!
