A Long Journey Into a Good Night

And today was the day that a PR director at Medi Weightloss gave my name to a producer on Good Morning America?!  I haven't received any phone calls and might never hear from anyone, but to have your name in front of someone who could potentially broadcast your story to millions is unbelievable.  All this for deciding for good that I was done being overweight and finding a program that would really help me. Incredible things can happen when you want to change and see that you can.

*(As a side note, I've been getting calls from an LA area code all day today too yet no message.  Brad Pitt probably wants to talk to me in person about making a movie based on my true life.  I bet he can convince Jennifer Aniston to play me for scale after her wedding.  She's going to have to pack on some pounds to give a more accurate portrayal.)

Fairy Princess

This kills me.  It's my niece cheerfully displaying the new Tinkerbell outfit I found to kick off her second birthday.  She likes to play dress up and lights up when she sees tiaras and shoes, so of course I had to support her passion. (She's standing in matching green plastic heels with pom poms too.)

My sister in law is a strong, intelligent woman like all the women in my family are, but there's just something so undeniably sweet about all things girly.  Most of us are drawn to precious things because I think deep down inside women like to put on pretty clothes every once in a while no matter how much we don't want to admit it.  I mean, how else do you explain the obsession about finding just the right dress for baptism, the prom, and our wedding?

I don't have a daughter, so this is as close as I can get to living out that dream.  Yet, if I did, I think she would look a lot like G. and she would have a Tinkerbell costume hanging in her closet too right next to her colorful collection of combat boots. The only difference is that she would probably have a flowery headband and ballet shoes on to complete the fairy look.  I'm  not so sure I could fully commit to a sparkly crown and heels two sizes too big.

A Pocketful of Change

For only one hour, while I wondered the downtown streets of Chicago by myself on a perfect summer evening at twilight, I was free to pretend what it would be like if I lived there. Walking around looking at a map gave me the distinctive mark of a tourist, but if I wasn't?  Could I be as cool as all the other hipster chicks with their thick, black framed glasses, tousled tresses, and ultra casual yet expensive sundresses? What if in my idealized scenario, I was a journalist living in a charming little studio apartment, like Carrie from Sex and the City but less dependent and more accomplished?  I would type away, serious substantial news during the day and have drinks at an outdoor cafe with jazzy, blues music drifting in the background at night, right?  Oh and of course I would jog in the park by the lakeside and shop for quirky home goods at the corner artsy store every weekend too. It's probably not quite as glamorous in real life but it's tempting to imagine being a part of place where skyscrapers and ambitions can reach new heights.

But life has other plans for me. It looks like I'm finally going to have a house by the lake with a picket fence in the back to keep the alligators out.  The town is perfect too with it's nationally rated schools taught by Harvard graduates and pristine,family friendly neighborhoods.  You barely here a sound in the middle of the day except for the chirping of birds and I doubt a crime outside of forgetting to wear your seat belt has ever been committed there.

It's definitely a step up from the ultra safe, and peaceful Tampa but I still feel apprehensive about it.  I've lived here for nine years and feel settled here.  My kids have all of their friends here, my husband has coached flag football for years here, and in a strange way, I feel like I have a place here too.  My image still stands by the Medi clinic and has for a few years now and then there's my most challenging student to date, lil' L.  He and his mom have been like an extended, dysfunctional family to me for the last year and it's going to be hard to wave goodbye to him as I walk out his front door that he always holds open for me. I'm even going to miss all the quarters his mother would give me as payment.  I never had much use for them before but now I can use them when I drive on the toll roads to reach our new destination.

 I know I'm moving on to a better life and everything will eventually be fine, so why am I a bundle of hot flashes, migraines, and nausea? The city version of me wouldn't have to experience this. I know I'm not pregnant and I think I still have a few more good years, maybe even a decade until menopause hits. I never thought I would say this, but I'm going to miss the security I have here when I'm gone...

http://youtu.be/cmSbXsFE3l8

The Second City

I would write more but am currently in the middle of moving to my own second city myself.  It's still in Florida but on the other coast and supposedly "one of the best cities to raise a family" according to Businessweek.  The photo above is of Chicago, the original second city and the second city of the Cummiskey family summer vacation tour.  If you haven't seen it, you should.

Bittersweet

It's taken awhile but I finally have an up to date phone like all the kids have these days, so I can constantly be preoccupied with stupid stuff too.  I replaced the old antique where I heard the news that my father passed away on with a new version where I can hear a little birdie tweet at the arrival of all of my incoming mail.  Of course there's a new phone number too.  Oddly enough it contains the age he was when he passed and the year he was born.  The first three numbers may even be his time of death or birth... I don't know.  It sounds like a stretch but I'd  like to think he's trying to stay connected.

Sweet Jesus

There is a God!  How else can you explain these adult Capri Suns complete with a collapsible straw on the back?  They are inexpensive, (available at Walgreens), low carb, and low in alcohol too.  It's like on the seventh day, the man upstairs worked overtime and did those who limit sugar and calories and cannot hold their liquor a strong solid.  He knew fruity drink lovers who have to deal with their twelve year old   "accidentally" charging their credit card as they unlock the newest players on League of Legions would need  a little something to take the rage down to a low boil so we only sentence them to lifetime of endless chores and do not press charges.

When that happens, forget about using the drink's straw and go ahead and break out the jumbo souvenir glass from Margaritaville.  Then, sip responsibly until it brings your thoughts back to your happy place.   In just a few short minutes I am somehow transported back to quiet beach with low tides where there are no children, no jellyfish to sting them, and no cars to look for as you walk across the shore.  A tranquil oasis where I can watch the clouds pass by as I float effortlessly along the waves of summer vacation. 

http://youtu.be/0C3zgYW_FAM

   

Oh My

Even from a young age, I have always looked up to my siblings in awe.  At times it made me jealous but that wasn't a bad thing.  It pushed me that much more to do my best to keep up with them and they all have their own talents to aspire to.  My older sister is the genius, my oldest brother is the athletic/good looking one, my youngest brother is the comedian/fun one, and my older brother is smart, cute, funny, and creative to boot.  His latest accomplishment is just more proof that he is a god among Bears too.  He is currently in his full glory, hamming it up on the cover of this months Bear World Magazine (www.bearworldmagazine.com).

It's really on now.  Something I wrote about maintaining weight loss might make it into Mediliving but I don't have a featured interview and I'm definitely not wearing a bear costume with my man standing shirtless behind me.  I don't even have an app with over two million people following me worldwide or a cameo in a Where the Bears Are either.  Jeez! Now I'm going to have to aim for a satellite appearance on Dr. Oz to discuss how to overcome a sugar addiction just to be able to stand in his presence.

In all seriousness I am extremely proud of him.  Ever since he was a geeky nerd with Coke bottle glasses he's always been interested in technology, (before PCs were even common place), and it's paid off.  He really is very involved in the Bear community and very social so it's no wonder he would create an awesome app just for his tribe.  He genuinely only wanted to make a better social network and never dreamed it would reach so many gay men or bring him this much recognition.  I just hope he got to keep the costume.

(Look out Daniel Day Lewis, my brother's look of bewilderment when he announces that "Someone got murdered inside the house!" is as convincing as your portrayal of Lincoln.) http://vimeo.com/wherethebearsare/wtba2ep02truthorbear

For Rachel

To one of the most memorable, extraordinary people I've ever met. Thank you for taking the time to get to know a quiet, awkward teenager when most people didn't and for showing everyone you touched that they had their own unique value. I wish we would have gotten together all those years ago like we had talked about so you could have met my sons.  We miss you.

 

Reruns

It's strange when you come across an episode of a show you haven't seen in nearly thirty years.  I had to explain what The Cosby Show was to my younger son the other day as we watched this episode together.  I was about his age when it first aired and I remember watching it with my dad.  It was one of the few shows aside from Monday night football and Seinfeld that he always watched.  I still can hear him say laughing whenever Rudy's friend Peter came over or getting a kick out of her little boyfriend, "Buuuuuud."  I think he liked it because he could relate to Cliff Huxtable - the tired patriarch with a house full of kids just trying to do the best he could.  We all got "mooshies" aka his version of  Polish goodnight kisses that tickled our cheeks and maybe even a zrbtt every now and then too.

http://youtu.be/jq4L5Cb40pk

Note of the Day

Dear Teacher #101,

Thank you so much for getting back to me. You have a habit of seldom returning my emails or of returning them weeks later when it is no longer useful and you never fail to deliver. You may find this hard to believe but I do not have access to your curriculum, which I would need in order to best help your student.  Being that they are not the best students they usually do not bring home books or homework on a regular basis so I essentially have very little to go on aside from what you can provide me with. I can find some of the materials you use via the school website if it is any good but even then I am limited as I need a teaching license to access complete texts. I also have no idea what chapter you are on either, causing me to have to guess.  Not that it makes that much difference though as your student was so far behind when I started with them anyways.

 I understand some of you may want to address the problem via the parents yet, if you really think about it, they hired me for a reason.  For whatever reason, they are unwilling or are unable to successfully assist their child and therefore believe a tutor is the best solution.  Therefore, it behooves you to include me in the loop since I am the one who will be working with them one on one multiply times a week until they understand the concepts.

 It would also be nice if you did not repeatedly complain about the student's progress to the parents when you have basically given me no information.  If this is indicative of how you convey concepts to your students then perhaps you do not have time to contact me because I am just one of many tutors on your list.  I cannot help but think how much more effective it would have been if I did not have to spend countless hours and more money than I make creating lesson plans. Also, if I am not correct, by the end of the year, the student ended up going from failing to passing with high marks.  I guess not having your input worked better after all.

It's About Time

It's official. Today I actually bought a glamorous black bathing suit that maybe even Marilyn Monroe would have frolicked in back in the day at... T.J. Maxx. I endured other women lamenting in the dressing room that "My boobs are too big for anything,"while no amount of padding would ever do the same for me and defied logic. I didn't think it was possible to find anything in the odd outlet outside of novel home decor, let alone a swimsuit, but I did. A Donna Freakin' Karan design that gives the illusion that I'm stacked.

 I made it into the highly elite club of desperate shoppers who aren't afraid to take a risk at affordable designer mishaps and found me a winner.  Ross and Marshall are chumps and Target doesn't even come close. I'm a Maxxinista now!

Others may not see the hidden gems within your aisles, but if you take a little time to look, they are there.  In the poignant words of singer Joe Cocker -
http://youtu.be/ZpgY5S3AcSw

The Perks of Being a Tutor

One of the nice benefits of tutoring is that sometimes the student's mother is really cool and wants to give you a token of their appreciation. Gifts aren't necessary but when someone insists, what can you do? I like to keep a professional distance but sometimes when you are spending a lot of time helping their child learn  in their home and communicating with them on a regular basis it's inevitable that a friendship forms. And if you're really lucky they have great taste in food and take you to an incredible restaurant.

If you ever have to choose between a certain Mexican "restaurant"  or real Indian cuisine, "No quiero el Taco Bell ripoffo."  Technically I've never eaten at Chipotle, so I could be grossly under estimating it's culinary greatness but I can't see how a burrito bowl could ever compare to a curry infused kaleidoscope of vegetarian visions.  I don't even like many vegetables and I can't handle the burn of too much spice but if I could make what I ate today I would eat lentils and mangoes all the time.  I mean, the small bowls of food resembled the most disgusting baby food or what you might find in the little one's diaper but damn!  It was good.  And the rice pudding, please.  And tea steeped with milk at the end.  I am treated to this drink every time I am over and prefer it to coffee any day of the week.  I have never tasted anything like it.  It's like it's been stirred with some secret magic potion of ginger delight that instantly soothes your senses.

If you haven't tried Indian food, you should.  It just might be the best.

Oh Say Can't You See

All of the Jergens Natural Glow tinted moisturizer for albinos and the biannual trip to the burn fest at the beach must be working.  It's not everyday I get asked if I'm Puerto Rican, but when I do this song mysteriously ques from the radio as I rev up the engine of my Honda and drive off into the sunset.

http://youtu.be/YS3xOmI1Plk

Just Look at the Page

Sometimes, when I'm sitting in my car, in yet another school parking lot or someone else's parking spot in a run down apartment complex waiting over 45 minutes for my student, I need to gear up.  I need to make it through a day of 20 some kids who don't care what you have to say or, (in tonight's case), one only child who gets away with calling all the shots.  I need to let go of the fact that I'm irritated, tired, and disgusted by the disregard and pretend that the two week dried vomit and pet droppings at the top of the four flights are just a new take on graffiti.

I really want to voice my frustration, to shout that it's not okay to continuously keep jerking me around with scheduled sessions, but know I have to turn that switch off and do my job.  I  need to make everything easy, pleasant, and as interesting as possible.  I need to help to make everything better; to reassure parents that Johnny is learning more even if it's like pushing a boulder up a mountain.  It's times like this that I take one more big gulp of coffee from my travel mug in preparation for the performance and take comfort in knowing that there are hugs waiting for me at home.  I will be done soon and the discomfort will dissipate after an episode or two of The Real Housewives.

 As I come closer to the front door I hear that sad, slow saxophone intro play in my head once again like I'm  about to enter a seedy dive that will steal my soul. I take a breath, knock on the door, and wait for the crowd of various children and their pets to greet me. If a rockstar can to handle gig after gig than so can I.

Look at the Page First (music video version)

...

Out of Paper

First I confuse a small child, then I discover that my 12 year old is looking at pictures of naked groups of women, and now The Office is ending?!  I'm not really sure why, but for nine years this show  has been the highlight of my Thursday nights more often than not and I'm not ready to let it go.  It's like that completly entertaining movie that you hate to walk away from when it ends. It filled the hole left by the great ER and now it's just one of those shows that they will make collector edition DVDS for.  There will be no more impromptu songs from Andy, malcontent comments from Dwight, or irritated looks from Jim. 

Parks and Recreation is up there but I haven't been following it consistently and so the emotional bond with the characters just isn't there. I would have to go back to the beginning to fully appreciate it and even then I just don't think it make me laugh as much.  Maybe if I have a large frozen margarita I won't feel the tear drop roll down my cheek.  I will miss you, The Office.

F is For Funny

I was sitting in the clinic waiting to be seen when two little girls spotted me (well, kind of).  I was across from my life size cutout reading the latest in Spring looks for under $100 in Redbook when the younger sister, (probably about 4), looks at the poster and then at me and says, "Why is she staring at me?"  I told her she must like the butterflies on her dress to which she replied, "Mine is prettier than hers.  She can't have it cause if she weared it she would take her dress off and she would be all naked. She can't be naked!"

Woah, take down a notch there sweetie.  First of all there are all types of beauty and the dress was not that atrocious.  And second, how do I say this? Luckily her mother intercepted that comment.  I'm already having a hard time explaining safe sex to my 11 year old during  human growth and development week at school so I  don't know how I would have explained that one to her.

Imagine if I had told her that she was me?  At least she didn't think I was Puerto Rican though.  Sometimes I wonder if I casually sauntered in there wearing the exact same outfit and sat right next to it if anyone would  make the connection.

L. the Lion

Little Man L. is now on Level 3.  He needs a Level 4 by August to be 1st grade ready. It's been five months but the six day a week, on call tutoring which includes Saturday and Sunday morning is finally paying off.  I don't know if I've ever worked so hard putting together handmade flashcards complete with custom  sentences and illustrations, printing enough level appropriate books to take out a whole forest, making games (that he cheats on every time), and even coloring pictures like I'm 6 years old again,  in my life.  He's even reading my word pattern posters when he takes a bath or uses the bathroom as his mother is crazy enough to wallpaper that particular room with them. (I used to worry that she was going  to go over the edge from his teacher calling her twice a week but I think that's not going to be issue now either.)

 I've tutored young kids in reading before but I did more to calm their ADD, give them something to eat during the day, or notify school personnel when their older siblings encouraged them to smoke pot for their own amusement, then dramatically raise their reading scores.  Now I feel like I can  say I had a real part in helping a child who knew only half of the alphabet when I met them surprise themselves when they could read every word in a small book.  I wanted to believe he could do it yet I wasn't so sure that my positive attitude was enough.  It's another double rainbow kind of day.

I'm feelin a little old school, remembering how kids in the late 70's learned their ABC's...

Changes in Attitude

Okay it's official, this is clearly the best, most incredible week ever!  First a hot guy tries to pick me up, then a really kind woman said I looked like I was 20, then my sweet, 11 year old son writes an essay about how "hanging out" with his mom is one of his favorite things to do in his spare time and now there's a real life double rainbow outside my back door!

The likelihood of these four events happening once in a lifetime is slim but to happen all at once...  I think I need to buy a lottery ticket.  Maybe Johnny Depp will be waiting there with some chawcolot. (That's chocolate for those who have yet to have the pleasure of seeing the movie and I bet he'll just happen to be stopping for gas over this area on his way to toss back some Coronas with Jimmy Buffet or something.  And when I see him he'll be all like, "Why hello fair lady, you wouldn't happen to be Puerto Rican would you?")

Words of Wisdom (the Remix)

I feel like I let nostalgia and the adorableness of Andrew McCarthy (who is still hot), cloud my judgement there.  It might have been a little disrespectful of the original performer of the song and screwed up my whole point on how people should give others their rightful respect.  (It's a good thing I'm not a lawyer).

 So, I'm posting Aretha Franklin's version of the song as well.  She doesn't wear any wayfarers or a fedora, or beat on any bongos while holding a cigarette but it's still pretty epic in it's own way too. She's got some good moves and cleared out the whole street in the process.

Words of Wisdom

First, a new friend of mine repeatedly reassured me that, "Assholes never change," and later that evening Jim Halpert looked squarely in the camera with his trademark raised eyebrows and said just to me, "We're calling the things we don't want to do opportunities."

 Both of them made me reevaluate my beliefs and I think they're both right. So I guess that means I'll be given the chance to learn how to brake my car without killing myself and others, while running into more people on the highway trying to slam me into the cement guardrail because it's of the utmost urgency that they "like" their friend's picture of the bloomin' onion they just ate while they drive. Maybe the next jerk will be a motorcycle rider wearing a custom Spiderman helmet who fancies himself to be the next Evil Kinevel. Looking forward to it.

Words of Wisdom (the song version)

As if I didn't have a reason before to insert this clip... My teen heartthrob crush #2, (behind Luke Skywalker but before Doogie Hooser), expresses my sentiment for me.

Breakthrough

I've had some time to put my feet up, catch up on some Project Runway, and drink some whiskey. I  have gained some clarity and I feel better.  My cat even feels safe to walk all over me again too.  In this moment, stress is no longer a feeling I care to think about anymore. I only wish I didn't need to resort to a drink to get over my angst but sometimes it's just necessary. I have problems with my emotions and know I need to be more Mary J. Blige "No More Drama" about it but I think I'm getting better with it.  I just have to take a minute to get it out of my system first before going on.

 As of now, I am done being affected by people who hold unrealistic expectations and have accomplished far less to remedy the situation than I have.  Repeatedly hearing others rant is not helping.  I know I still have much to learn but I stand by my work and my efforts to continue to figure it out all out.  It may take more time and work for some of my students to drink the educational kool-aid but they have all improved and I'm proud of them. Dozens of A's and B's, a blue ribbon for a speech, and a student of the month honor followed by an outstanding behavior award speak for themselves.

If that's not satisfactory than I don't know what the hell is.  My feline buddy Tiger doesn't know either.  Granted he has limited mental ability and an addiction to tantalizing turkey cat treats that only I supply him with, but he thinks I'm alright.  Maybe it's the 86 proof hitting me, but I think he might be on to something. 

Too many people give up when results aren't immediate yet if you are determined enough keep plugging away, you're bound to get there.  At least that's what my experience has been.  So all you negative Nellies need to quit reacting and stop voicing your concerns to me every chance you get.  My students are a penciled in bubble away from standardized success.

Birthday Wishes

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday.  There would have been a party.  We would have driven to my parent's house to celebrate.  He would have opened up gifts he didn't need, swam with his grandsons, and finished his day eating his cake, moose track ice cream, and milk in bowl without my mother saying anything about him checking his blood sugar, (for once).  He probably would have had a good, strong drink of whiskey too at the end of the day and I would have been able to hug him and tell him I loved him before leaving to get home.

But instead we're all having a toast to him without him.  My brothers and sister are sharing it with my mother hundreds of miles away while I'm still here in crazy Florida where my parents used to live waiting to get the hell out of here.  They've gotten closer while I been here keeping in touch long distance missing what I used to have, and worried about not having that bond in the future.  Loss seems like a true reality now and I just want to hold onto to people I love even tighter.  That's all that matters.

Down the Block

You know how certain circumstances just fall into your lap that strike you so instantly that you start thinking that they are there to teach you something about yourself?  Well, this new situation feels just like that and I can't believe it took me more than a minute to see it.

Maybe it's because I've been so frustrated with the students I've been tutoring lately that's it's hard not to see anything but red everywhere I go.  First, I was dropped by one client after helping their son finally pass Math.  Next I was stood up by three clients who took one session and changed their minds, and then I had to  deal with a 6 year old Pepsi drinkin' only child who would rather tell me stories about his parakeet "pooping and pissing" then sit for more than two seconds to try to sound out words. 

But then I veered into a quaint path leading into a shaded park with a peaceful pond.  I finally discovered the dream student.  A third grade perfectionist who switched out of the gifted program because he he freezes up whenever he has to write. What?  Is this kid related to me?  Can you say deja vu?  Add in the fact that he has sensitivities to death and his father and is seeing a counselor for anger management and I might as well be looking in the mirror when I look at this sweet, little nerd.  He even knows that you don't capitalize small words in a title!  He's 8.  No 8 year old cares about that let alone remembers it!  We speak the same language. Hell, he's probably even more evolved than me as I could probably benefit from some good ol' expressing some of my repressed anger therapy. 

Let's just say I relate to the boy and am more motivated then I have been in a while to help him get over his lack of confidence.  I can't tell you how many times I labored over every word I put down on paper because I didn't think it was good enough.  I still do.  But there was one person who patiently sat down up with me, guided me through the process, and helped me put down my ideas.  It was because of my mother that my 5th grade teacher read my tale of a  wayward pioneer family traveling west to the whole class as an example of "excellent descriptive writing", ( I never missed an episode of  Little House on the Prairie), and made me believe that my imagination and feelings were had value.  It cultivated an interest in writing and there were many other stories and speeches after that gave an otherwise quiet girl a voice.

I know, very sappy but this little four eyed geek speaks to me.  Not only because he's so worried about making a mistake but because I know what it's like when your emotions are constantly getting the better of you, (aka my life story).  What's even stranger is that he lives down the street from me and I don't even know him.  My son and I played monkey in the middle with his older brother once, (six years ago) and watched him cry as he refused to get on the bus his first day of school.  I remember thinking how glad I was not to be his parent and now he's a part of my weekly schedule.

I may not understand how it is that our paths crossed but I do know that he couldn't have found a more fitting advocate. He's so much better than the class that he's in that I can't let him have his insecurities run the show.  He belongs in a gifted program.  I have a feeling that working with him will teach me as well.

?!?!?!!!!!!!!

Oh Jesus Christ!  My 4th grade student went from an A to a lower score on his post test than his pretest.  I'm now tutoring a bunch of 5 years olds because they can't read Shakespeare yet.  My mom is coming to visit Florida this weekend  but in a city 6 hours away because she "got a GREAT deal."  We have to drive to meet her and enjoy the beach during the coldest day in Florida history for this time of the year. My tweleve year old son tried to kiss a girl!  And I have cramps with the complimentary back ache.  Are freaking kidding me!

The Three R's

So, I finally managed to help my fourth grade Lil' Wayne fan/master burper receive his first A on a Math test this year and write a paragraph that actually stays on one topic, but now a whole new challenge presents itself.  I have to teach a first grade student how to read when English is his second language.  No problem.  No pressure, (sigh).  I have to present a confident front in the presence of my students and their parents so they will believe their tutor will magically save the day, but behind the scenes I don't know if what I do will work for them.  My stomach is always tied up in knots.

I should feel happy that I have the opportunity to make a small impact on the next generation yet the anxiety of it all is clouding my outlook.  I feel alone with my heavy responsibility, like I could use a fellow Irish person to help me sing away my blues...

http://youtu.be/J7f26d-AIrM

Waking Up

I heard this on my radio alarm this morning. I remember listening to my mom sing this song in the car when I was younger whenever it came on. It reminds me of how it feels like without my dad. Nothing feels the same.

http://youtu.be/uAsV5-Hv-7U

Sweet Dreams

Tomorrow is back to school again but E. couldn't sleep.  Not even the big stuffed clown fish his grandparents gave him could ease away the dread of his overly enthusiastic teacher and her never ending list of challenging  projects.  He even wanted me to stay in his bed until he fell asleep and although I'd do anything to help him, I didn't want to baby him.  So I came up with the next best thing.

 I  gathered up his favorite quilt and pillow and we set up a cozy corner of the couch to hang out and watch Sweet Genius.  The host/cake chef extraordinaire is like some German cross between Willie Wonka and the bald nemesis from the Austin Powers movie and we couldn't wait to see what crazy shit he was going to say and do next.  If you haven't seen it then you're not really a true sugar addict and you sure as hell aren't experiencing high quality entertainment.  It's spellbinding and the perfect solution to all your needs.  My son forgot about his educational troubles and drifted into sleep and I learned how to combine chicken stock and pecan logs with chocolate to create a sweet dessert inspired by the Eiffel Tower in less than 45 minutes!  Freakin' genius is right.

It's even been improving my dreams too.  Last night, after a recent episode in which The Wizard of Oz was the inspiration, I had visions of opening up my very own sugar free/ calorie free box of eclairs with my name on it and a note saying "Follow the yellow brick road to the world of desserts! "

 I can't wait to fall asleep tonight.  Maybe I'll  be sailing on a river of caramel gelee lined with champagne grape lollipops.

To Be Continued

 

http://youtu.be/q5JiS4r0D_s

This is how I wanted 2012 to be.  To make big strides, to nail everything, and to burn forward a bright new path.  But like everything worthwhile, that takes time.  And while there were no monumental changes there were some new experiences that enriched my life and can be built upon ...

1.  My family and I saw a dusting of snow again for the first time in 9 years during a winter vacation back to Columbus.  We had a mini snowball fight, froze our asses off,  sat by a fireplace with hot chocolate, and got to check out the new favorite Mexican restaurant.  I got to see how my mother was adjusting to her new life and gave my brother some sound advice during his drunk dial.

2.  I was invited to participate in my first business expo despite having no real experience in business or networking.  I am not much of a schmoozer but learned a lot about the art and met some really cool people too.

3.  I gathered up enough acceptance to spread some of my father's ashes.  I sat blurry eyed as they drifted down into the bay, off the pier of one of his favorite places.  It was one of the areas where he said he wanted to be.  We all said goodbye to him somewhere else he liked, (for other reasons), but I think that spot meant more to him.  I'm glad I was able to give him his last wish.

4.  I  finally agreed to share my weight loss story for a local paper.  I don't like to remember all of the years weight was an issue for me nor do I want that to define me, but I do want to be able to convince people to stop letting obesity hold them back!  There are incredible programs that, (if you truly commit yourself to), can give you back your life.

5.  I went on my first family vacation, complete with all my brothers and sister to Washington D.C.  It only took until my mother turned 70 to finally get around to all of us coming together but what can I say. We're dysfunctional.  We got to see building after building built on the dreams of our forefathers and a club event after club event built on the dreams of my Bear brother.

6.  I stepped into more classrooms as a substitute then I ever expected and did not shout any profanities.  I can't say I didn't get pissed and lose my cool at times but I did get through all of the lesson plans and kept everyone safe.  I was even recognized at the grocery store by a fellow student who gave me a hug and told her mother I was her favorite teacher. (I must have had some extra caffeine that day.)

7.  I was given a shout out at an annual Healthiest Employee event and I'm not even Jennifer Hudson.  Maybe if I pursue singing I can beat out Beyonce and win an Oscar too.

8.  I started to tutor.  My 4th grade scholar in the making has ADD so his main problem is focus but I know has the ability.  He's beginning to pull B+'s in Math and show more organization in his writing.  He hates to write and sees no point in it.  Them there are fightin' words in my book.

9.  I've been introduced to some Indian people and have discovered some beautiful cultural customs and some incredible food.  Why did it take 38 years to come across this?

10.  My 12 year old son is "in a relationship"?!  What's stranger is the girl reminds me of myself, so I can't completely dislike her. Right now, they only see each other in school but what happens when he's older?  I really wish I could  avoid the topic of dating until he's in college.

11.  A few years ago, my dad wrote a Christmas short story for his grandchildren.  One of his neighbor's sent to a newspaper and it was published.  This year I've decided to make it into a book.  It can be passed down to the youngest grandchildren who didn't get a chance to know him. 

So there it is, a start of more to come.  Here's to hoping 2013 is a better year!

Or Like That

Clearly I was in the middle of having a meltdown moment during my last post.  Everybody needs to vent but I forget that not everyone wants to hear it.  Surprisingly, I overreacted and I'm sorry anyone had to be brought down by my chemical imbalance issues.  I've been told repeatedly that I'm twice as sensitive than most which is sometimes wonderful and sometimes terrible.

It's the holidays afterall and stress never solved anything. My life may not be perfect but I do have many blessings to be grateful for. So here's to finding a little bit of peace and the hope that Santa will bring me some spirits or a Magic Mike bonus DVD to lift my mood.  Happy Holidays!

http://youtu.be/QPf2snTB2wo

It's Like This

You know when you sincerely put everything into trying to help other people and they don't listen to, appreciate, or respect you?  It's like that most of the day and then repeatedly every day following that. My son said, "Mom, you expect too much," today and he's right. I do. 

I used to think it was an admirable trait to have but decades of being disappointed have finally convinced me that I should stop caring so much.  That way I can fit in with the rest of the human race and maybe even have more time to enjoy life.

Unlike

Unlike may be too strong of a word.  Let's just say I'm not completely comfortable with the latest developement in my 12 year old's life.  One day you let your son go on Facebook so he can share video game tips with his friends (under your supervision) and the next thing you know some girl in his class makes a comment.  Then they start texting each other and two weeks later he suddenly wants to go to the school play, (just for extra credit of course), and the day after that they have both changed their status to "in a relationship" and all of her friends "like" it !!!!!! 

I can't believe my son asked this girl scout/ honor student/ pretty girl to be his girlfriend.  I suspected they were sharing a mutual crush but I didn't think it would reach this level.  He didn't inform me of his future plans or even ask for my approval.  I hardly know this girl and haven't met her parents. They can't even date.  What is this?

He doesn't even want to talk about either.  Sure I'm good for helping him type his English paper when he's half asleep but do you think he bothers to have conversation with me about anything going on in his life  that consist of more than one word answers? And since when did he start locking his bedroom door?

I figured I had at least two more years until anything remotely like this would happen and now I'm worried their going to run off together to Vegas and elope. Relationships are for when you're in your twenties and not living at home.  I'm not sure how to best navigate this uncharted territory.

Feel Brighter

When I  first named this blog The Sunshine State, it was meant to be a play on words.  It was partly intended to be an expose on living the Florida lifestyle but mostly a weak attempt to be more positive - to create more joy.  And while I can't speak for the masses of followers, I think it has, (at the very least), made me feel better at times.  It sounds stupid, but my family says that they know when I'm blogging because a goofy smirk becomes fixed on my face. 

Yet every since my father died, it feels like whatever brightness I used to have has faded.  No matter how many candles I light for him in his honor, my life feels darker now.  It's like he went away and we're all waiting for him to come back but he's missing without a trace.

This time of year, especially Thanksgiving, is one of the hardest.  I used to go all out and cook all of these overly ambitious, customized dishes for my parents or drive down to their home and walk in to all my favorites laid out but not now.  It's not going to be like that again.  No more sweet potato monstrosity that only a father could love, no crumbs on the floor to complain about or cheap wine from a box, and no special prayer. 

From the time we were young, my father would always say grace on that day. An intended  moment of gratitude that, for him, would go on for over five minutes with him giving thanks for all of the small things working his way up to what mattered the most to him - his family.  It was a tradition.  One we would all hold back our laughter from just to diffuse his emotion as we didn't know how to handle such a dramatic speech from someone who usually hid his feelings behind a guise of sweet goofiness.  It was the only time we ever saw him choke up and really openly express himself.  When he wasn't outside with his pack of cigarettes and his travel mug full of whiskey trying to cover up his bad childhood, lost dreams, and insecurities so he could keep taking care of his wife and five children but really with us.  He was much deeper than most people gave him credit for and had a way of talking that drew people to him.  I miss the way he spoke.

Think Pink

As in "Pinky", one of the pack of ghosts that try to catch Pacman. Only in my case, I need to let my little Pacman find his own way through the maze at some point.

 It's so hard to take a step back  yet I know if I don't I stand the risk of not only embarrassing him but also stunting his growth. (Even his classmates at school started giving me strange looks when I tried to take more pictures of him after the school parade.) So I took the pink hair idea down a notch to just a pink bow, kept a 100 yards away while he and his friend went trick or treating, and took only half a dozen pictures this year. Hey, at least I didn't pass out candy with a full on Dracula voice like my dad did.

I am not, however, ever refraining from random hug attacks, 20 questions, or constant dispensing of wisdom (aka nagging) though. My boys are just going to have to deal with that for many years to come.  I plan on being around long enough to dote on my great great grandchildren. 

Seeing Red

So I was trying to spray paint my hair pink to go with my Halloween costume and this is what transpired.  More crazy Rhianna red 2009 than pretty Gwen Stefani pink 2001.  Maybe it was due to the fluorescent tone on the $2.88 can or, oh yeah, the fact that I'm putting color on brunette hair and not bleached out hair. 

Let my mistake be an example for all of those who follow to learn from.  Either spend some money to have your color done professionally, invest in a cheap a wig from your local party store, or stop dressing up for Halloween past the age of 35. You are more than likely trying to make up for unfulfilled Halloweens from your childhood and/or looking for any opportunity to express your creativity as it seldom exists in your normal everyday life .

http://youtu.be/aa3rBVb3v4g

Days Gone By

"Mrs. B,   Mrs. B!  Did they even have video games when you were a kid?"  said the eight year old student... 

So I inched one more year closer to the big 40.  I officially turned 38 last Monday but this year I'm starting to feel like I've aged at double speed.  Not because I'm frequently surrounded by kids but because of all of the changes that have happened in the last year.  From my father's sudden passing to my mother moving away to the job changes and my sons becoming more independent.  And that doesn't even cover some of the awful challenges that others around me are facing.  It feels like a significant shift of an unfair amount of shit and it bothers me.  No matter how much I try to deal with the stress and not let it shake me it does.  It wears me down which I now visibly see played out in the ever more noticeable wrinkles on my face and random gray hairs on my head. Not only that but it affects me physically making me feel ill at times when I never did before. 

Thank God for Irish whiskey and that nice senior, Jehovah witness woman with the leopard print cane and purplish gray hair who looked at me with strange fascination as she told me I have "the most beautiful skin".  One restores my soul while the other gives me hope.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/4bZRtlE1ohA?fs=1

Rise and Shine

You know it's going to be a demanding day when your radio alarm wakes you up before sunrise to hear Marvin Gaye whispering "Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up... baaaaaaaaaybeeeeee!"

I haven't even summoned up enough energy to move from my cozy comforter cocoon and already I'm immediately propositioned by a man that needs some "special" healing because it's good for him.  Not good for us but for him, because he's apparently on edge from being all rich and famous. It's stressful.

Where was this man when that big knot was tightening in my shoulder?  When I was washing dishes while steaming broccoli in between loads of laundry trying not to step on my cat who is always following me while to watch the finale of Project Runway playing in the background!  Probably soaking in some hot tub, in some mansion with a large bottle of wine!!!

And women supposedly loved this song back in the day.  What was goin on with that?  He's got some nerve.

Swimming With the Dolphins

There are two groups of students I tend to avoid when scheduling substitute jobs: children under the age of 7 and children over the age of 11. I've discovered one group too undisciplined to learn effectively and the other too indifferent. I've had experience with both and for some reason 7-10 year olds are my niche. (I think I would be good with college students as well but am not qualified to teach that level.) They are old enough to be focused yet young enough not to be apathetic.

However, I don't always have a choice in classes. Today it was either primary students or nothing so I had to take one for the team. I was all prepared to hold back a profanity shouting, arm swinging demon but met with a bunch of wild dolphins instead. Dolphins as in  the animal group their pod calls themself and like the actual animal, they were both playful yet highly spirited. I thought I was in for a battle of wills when my lesson plan contained notes on certain students that needed "refocusing" but found that with a little extra attention and patience they followed to my lead with ease. As a result one of these kids was attached to my side as my new best helper while the other one was first to receive high praise from the lunchroom monitors for sitting quietly. In fact my whole class was given a compliment at lunch for their good behavior, (the equivalent of gold in the education world), which I was told, "Says a lot since that rarely ever happens with this group."

There have been many a hectic and chaotic day that make me want to just lay my head down on my desk while the paper airplanes take me down in defeat but I just might be getting the hang of this whole classroom management thing yet! I'd like to think that both the class and myself  might actually better than we think. I'm even starting to reconsider possibly becoming a teacher myself but for now I'll take our shiny gold star.  I'd like to thank you to my parents for setting a good example, my psychology degree for giving me insight into human behavior, table points for saving my sanity, and my little children of the sea for helping me stay afloat.

Heart To Heart

My son, my sideline buddy, my thoughtful, creative, funny, independent, strange, sweet boy.  Don't ever let your individuality make you feel any less important than anyone else.  It's these differences that set you apart and make you extraordinary. 

Pretty Fly

And on this episode of The Substitute... I never know what exactly is in store for me most days but when I take an assignment out of the radius of my circle of comfort it's a little unsettling to say the least.  So I tried to approach going to the small, rough around the edges school as a new adventure sure to be interesting even if it is challenging.  Afterall, I had been a tutor for an inner city school in downtown Columbus, Ohio so how hard could it be?

 "Cool" was the word I kept repeating in my mind and I remained calm throughout the whole day.  Calm with the onslaught of overly ambitious and slightly complicated lesson plans the teacher threw at me at record speed, (mind you I don't know where anything is or any of the students or even what grade they are). Calm with the need to read every problem on a math test to half of the students as they were ADHD and calm when a boy decided to draw me a picture of a pickup truck with a pile of dirt in the bed instead of reading his book.  But dismissal was a whole other experience altogether.

The end of the day is like the last hundred yards of a long run.  You can see the end point and know it's almost over yet you become more  exhausted and ready to collapse with each stride closer.  Your unmanageable classroom of students doubles in size as more kids you don't know run into the room like a bunch of lunatics let loose from a psych ward. Then, you are solely responsible for their safety and for getting each group to their correct destination. You need to take the car riders to the right line,the bus riders on the right bus, and the after school  kids to the right room all while they take off in different directions when the bell rings.  Meanwhile you are left with no idea where to go and no way to be everywhere as it's physically impossible to be in all locations at once.

But before any of this happened there was a bizarre twist; something I will never forget.  Genesis, a green eyed dark skinned fourth grade girl suddenly turns all DJ on me, cranks up the music playlist on the computer that the teacher supposedly plays at the end of every day, and a full fledged dance off went down in the middle of the room.  Kids were flipping in the air and all out breakdancing on the floor. What the hell kind of reality was that?! It was as if I was some much less attractive, non marine version of  Michelle Pfeiffer in the prequel to Dangerous Minds. (Hell, I even have her same hairstyle circa 1995!)I've seen my share of dance offs in gay clubs and they ain't got nothin' on these kids.  I've never seen moves of that caliber in real life ever before and probably never will.  I wish I had my Ipod on me to document it. They would be a YouTube sensation and on The Today show in no time. If education doesn't work out for these kids they all have a future as back up dancers for Lil Wayne.

Light As Can Be

Urine sprayed all over the bathroom floor, a sick 6 year old wiping their snotty runny nose on you as you console them from the demon child that punched them in the gut, subsequently catching strep throat, and a fourth grader telling you to "Shut the eff up".  Ahhh yes, sounds like the beginning of a wonderful new school year.

Whatever happened to enjoying kids and believing in the educational system.  I mean, why is it that  our kids' sports teams can have numerous adults assisting a coach yet a classroom just has one leader?  And don't even get me started about the lack of involvement some parents have.

But I suppose all stressful situations are just tests made to help you find your own inner peace and become a better person. (And I thought I had the whole Zen thing down.)  My inner calm is way off the rails and in need of a serious dosage of some music therapy to steer it back on track again.  I thought I was doing so well with my recent foray into 70's lite rock but maybe I need to narrow it down to just one strong,  solid go to song. I think I'm going to use this one to serve as my new mantra whenever I feel like the urge to go off on anyone under five feet tall.  It was top of the charts back in 1975 so let's see if it can still work today.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/4IFQZyxxyyM?fs=1

Up in the Air

Today hit my family with real bump in the road but this moment lifted me up for awhile. (While one person is still paying the price for past problems despite changing, another is rewarded.) It's strange how this clinic always seems to do that for me even nearly four years after I walked through their door.  I dreamed of someday reaching my goal weight again and actually did it. The world didn't beat me down when I finally committed to go for it like I thought it would but instead honored me.  Now if only I wasn't such a socially awkward dork...

Another Bump in the Road

This is my holding back expletives face which I'm told crosses my face on a regular basis even when I'm not upset. (I'm working on it.) But I wouldn't have this problem right now if it wasn't time to fasten my seat belt once again.  As if a black and blue marked up leg wasn't enough, add two pounds of water weight to my frame and that is what I'm working with on a day when I will be standing in front of room full of  200+  people!

Thanks for betraying me hormones, I love you too.  I suppose an outbreak of blotchy acne, flat hair, and sharp cramps are next, just when I was hoping to look and feel my best.  But if  I can brave one foot ocean waves with a kiddie inner tube then I sure as hell can handle a little PMS.  I've got extra strength Midol and industrial grade spanx.  Bring it on!

http://youtu.be/0JRgHol94Xc

Things That Go Bump

So I've been invited to attend the city's Healthiest Employer Luncheon this week. This time I'll be formally introduced by one of the founders of the clinic as a shining example of weight loss but I have a dilemma. 

This is a big deal for me, (one of five children and a former fat girl who didn't get much attention), and there are people counting me to represent.  I need to nail this and transform my normal day mom look to a Jennifer Hudson "holy hell" look asap, but I don't know if I can make this miracle happen.

I'm afraid that all the cans of self tanning spray and all the tubes of concealer in the world aren't enough to cover the shit that went down today.  You see, I was trying to watch my son play his football game when one of the other moms is all like "I need to take pictures of the whole game every week".   Last week she took it upon herself to declare herself VIP and now feels entitled to cross the yellow rope that separates the team from the parents on the sidelines anytime she wants.  This way she can proceed to have a hundred pictures of the same thing while simultaneously blocking everyones' view.

I guess I could have done this too, if I didn't care about other people, but I opted to take the high road  and climbed up the best dilapidated wooden bleachers The Boys and Girls Club of Tampa had to offer instead.  In my haste to see all the action, I wasn't looking and smacked my shin on a rough corner.  It's been about ten hours since this happened and it's currently swollen into big purple and blue goose egg!  I don't even have to walk and it hurts.

 I  was thinking about wearing a skirt or dress for the upcoming special occasion but now I'm not so sure that would be very flattering.  Sure I could wear black tights or trousers but this is Florida and it's still 90 degrees.  Maybe I'll just mask the bruise by dressing all in black and blue.  Nobody will probably even notice, but if  they do, it will look like a matching accessory.

The New Kids On The Block

First my baby, (my 10 year old), develops a mustache and underarm hair and now my 12 year old is going to high school football games. Games where, swarms of bored teens gather looking to party and the cheerleaders sport team colored garter belts!  (It's been twenty years since I was this age, but when did that become acceptable for your daughter?  Is this a new effort to promote marriage before pregnancy?)  I see nothing but a wave of  debauchery crashing in the horizon coming closer and closer to the shore to sweep my children away in the undertow and I'm worried.

This time my son was accompanied by his mom and dad, but want happens when it's not cool to hang out with your parents and he or one of his buddies wants to take the car and go out on a Friday night?  When they start believing that they know it all and want to handle everything on their own? When the hugs become fewer and more far between and you're waiting up at night for them to come home? 

I'm not looking forward to that.  I miss those Bob the Builder/ building Lego skyscrapers and having teddy bear picnic days.  I loved those days.

 "Can we fix it?"   We can if we have to, but I'm really hoping we don't have to get all David Hasselhoff /Baywatch rescue on him.

Everyday People

Dear people at stores, gas stations, restaurants and in the stacks at libraries, STOP FREAKIN' TALKING TO YOURSELF!!! That's what my three year old nephew does and you are a grown ass adult. You saying your thoughts out loud when I or any other stranger is nearby does NOT constitute a conversation in any way, shape, or form. I can understand humming and I'll give you singing in the car, but when actual spoken words come out of your mouth you've crossed the line.  Most of the time they are mutterings that don't make sense either which,quite frankly, freaks me out.  If you want to talk to someone, address them directly, otherwise just keep it to yourself.

Just Another Friday Night

So the "Bear" in the family, (the bearded hunk of masculinity on the far right), created this outstanding app called Growlr.  It's like a match.com that caters to a select group of gay men and has afforded him the freedom to quit his day job to make a living doing what he loves.  Now he hosts meet and greet social events at bars all over the world and essentially rules the Bear universe.  His business venture has been so successful that he paid for all of us ( five rooms) to stay at the Embassy Suites in Washington DC for our first ever family trip since the 1980's trip to Lake Placid, New York during the Olympics.

Here we all are hanging out  in the sound proof, swanky, VIP room of some sketchy bar in downtown DC named "Something Dance" at one of his Growlr events.  As you can see, we all got free drinks for being related to Papa Bear.  My little brother and his wife took that to mean a free pitcher, but hey everyone has their own alcoholic preferences and the right to drink as they please.  That's what our forefathers would have wanted, right?

They may not recall all the details of that night, yet it was a memorable trip all the way around seeing all of the  historical buildings, memorials, and museums to be seen and this dive was no exception.  My sister and I being two of the dozen women in the establishment were of course given the ceremonial gay man ass grab upon walking to the ladies room.  (Just when you think you don't have to worry about that.) Then of course,  once in the restroom we were again predominately surrounded by men who ruled the scence urinating with the door open, leaving  the seat up and making out against the sink.  It was clear we had no power there either which is odd when you consider how highly worshipped  female performers and men dressed as women are among gay men. 

Equally confusing was the amount of dancing that didn't take place at an established that has "Dance" in it's name.  It's been over ten years since I've been to gay clubs but if it's one thing that set them apart, it was the music and the dancing.  Maybe it was too early or it was too crowded, but the only people getting down were the drag queens who were battling it out for dollar bills on stage.  Don't get me wrong, the divas were fierce, but my sister in law, wannabe sister in law, sister and I were disappointed that we didn't get the chance to shake it to Rhianna and The Spice Girls too.  If those chics came make a comeback then so can we.  We may have not been wearing leopard print corsets or black fishnets like the other "women" out there, but our curves are real and in our slightly sober minds we think would have looked awesome too. 

Here's to some spice in your life!
http://youtu.be/PArTdhNda7k

Anniversary

On August 21st, forty six years ago a young man woke up, watched cartoons, put on his finest suit and married the love of his life.  She just happened to be my mother and she was gorgeous.  They both were, like actors from a romantic movie.

 Thankfully I wasn't there but the 8 mm video of that day shows two of the happiest people I've ever seen who couldn't  wait to spend the rest of their lives together.  And that first kiss my dad planted on her outside  a conservative Catholic Church - woah! It was quite a display of affection for that time which says it all. 

This is their song.  http://youtu.be/29uNvGHsRlc  by the We Five.  And we five children thought of him often during our D.C. vacation.  He always wanted to go... Happy hour just wasn't the same.

National Cheesecake Day

How am I now just stumbling upon this?  Finally, a day I can truly celebrate. This is the best made up day ever! 

I can't think of a better way to honor this special ocassion than reserving a table at The Cheesecake Factory for the night to rate each and every one of their desserts for the greater good of humanity but I suppose that's a bit self destructive.  Not that I wouldn't be too blissed out my mind on a sugar high to care, but I just can't do that to myself anymore. 

These recipes are much healthier choices. Granted, I haven't made the first one yet however, judging from the ingredients, I don't think you can go wrong.  Happy Cheescake Day!

1. Celebrate "National Cheesecake Day" with this delicious cheesecake recipe!: Celebrate "National Cheesecake Day" with this delicious cheesecake recipe!

2.  E's Low Carb Cheesecake

Ingredients (makes 8 servings)
- 3/4 cup finely ground almonds
- 3/4 cup almond flour or almond meal
- 2 tablespoons light butter, melted
- 2 (8 ounce) packages of fat free cream cheese, softened
- 2 eggs
- 3/4 cup sugar substitute (I recommend Stevia. You may also want to go up to 1 cup of this for a sweeter taste.)
- 1 cup fat free sour cream
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon Irish cream liquor (optional)
- 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/4 cup sugar free strawberry sauce
- 1 container sugar free whipped topping
- 1 container of fresh strawberries

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
2. Lightly spray the bottom of 8 inch springfoam pan with non-stick cooking spray. Mix almonds, almond flour, and melted butter in a small bowl with a fork and press into pan. Refrigerate for 5 minutes.
3. In a large bowl, beat cream cheese, eggs, and sugar (one at a time) until creamy. Add in sour cream, vanilla extract, Irish cream liquor, and cinnamon until well blended. Pour filling over crust and smooth with a spatula.
4. Place cake pan in a large roasting pan with 1 inch of boiling water and bake for 45 minutes or until golden brown and the center is almost set. Let chill in refrigerator for 4 hours.
5. Slice into wedges and top with strawberry sauce, whipped topping, and strawberries. Great with sliced apples and sugar free caramel sauce or berries too.

We're All In This Together

I love how being courteous really pays off.  When you haven't heard from someone who you hardly knew 15 years ago, yet they still feel the need to voice false assumptions about you.  I could have ignored them or made a snarky comment myself considering how they seem to have changed radically but I chose not too. Instead, I remembered the things that I liked about them years ago and decided to keep an open mind and try to understand them first.  (It's a diplomatic perspective and one that gave way too much consideration to them.)

Instead of returning this favor they decided to look at all my family pictures (which don't include any protests) and make condescending judgements. But if dressing nicely, (I lost a whole small teenager and can finally wear the clothes I want to wear), spending my spare time with my family, and supporting Obama  instead of rallying for anti choice, anti gay Ron Paul every waking minute of the day makes me "Sandra Dee"...  (You really know me and your views must be the only ones that matter.)

However, I'm fairly certain that you can still care about making the world a better place even if you don't plaster your Facebook page with every governmental statistic you ever googled in your life.  In fact, I have a grassroots effort in place myself.  I'm touring  The White House in a couple weeks where I'm sure my niece's performance will be charming enough to secure an invite to dine with the Obamas. Once  I'm in, I'll of course bond immediately with the first lady over The Real Housewives gossip.  Next, we'll exchange recipes, work on our arms at the gym, get a mani/pedi and before you know it we're bbfs. Then I'll most likely be hangin' with my girl, touring the country in her "Get Moving" campaign and effectively trying to fight obesity while you're still gathering support for a candidate who is no longer in the race.  I guess sweethearts just know how to get shit done. You're welcome Freebird!

http://youtu.be/eJ1ZQ99pKbY

Baby of the Day

Okay, so Miss. G isn't perfect but I don't see Blue Ivy doing this.  Not only that but she also doesn't look like a mini female Jayzee either.

Maybe a simpler act would be easier for her to mimic.  I'm going to teach her the hand dance from Beyonce's "Put a Ring On It" to prepare her for her upcoming visit to The White House.  (Jay's baby girl probably can't do that either.)  I hear it's one of Michelle's favorite songs.

Settle Down

No Doubt they're back! :) They're almost too old to give it another spin but they all look and sound very much the same as they did a decade ago, so why not?

Just add in some Jamican beats and a little middle eastern flavor to the mix and they're good to go. Hella kinda good. Not their best single yet not their worst either. However, I can overlook it given that it makes me feel better to finally hear Gwen express that even a multimillion dollar, uber successful singer/fashion designer married to super hot Gavin Rossdale with two adorable kids has problems too.

Overall, it's a very catchy song and video even if the L'Oreal spokesmodel shamlessly promotes infallable lipgloss on camera as well. (She's just multitasking.) As a matter of fact, I can already see myself using it as a personal anthem when working out at the gym or possibly shouting it to my cats when they randomly start chasing each other at 70 mph only to slam into my leg instead. Welcome back.

http://youtu.be/Pb_zZ3xItPI

Party Time

It's been a hell of a first year for my niece.  First she lost her grandfather.  Next, she contracted a potentially fatal virus.  And then she had to learn to walk with a giant chocolate lab constantly in her way slobbering on her hand!

Yet she got through all of these obstacles with a cheerful smile, just like a rockstar.  If that's not showing style then I don't know what is.  She deserves a full week to celebrate complete with plenty of pretty dresses and topped off with a killer party.  Happy Birthday, Ginny Bean!

No Sleep

Daydreaming may be my only option since falling asleep is an issue for me at times.  Sometimes a drink helps but I only have one choice.  I bought Bethenny Frankel's Skinnygirl Margarita to save calories but gained a world of regret. 

It's the worst margarita I've ever had.  Not that I'm a expert on the beverage, but I was expecting so much  more considering that it was this drink that made her a Forbes list millionaire.  Bethenny is still my favorite housewife, (funny, neurotic and a health nut), but man is her booze tart.  She's not kidding when she claims it's all natural but agave nectar is as far away from nature's sugar as you can get. Just squeeze a bunch of limes into some cheap tequila and you could make your very own light drink too.   Maybe you could even spin it into a skincare and bodyshaper line too...

If you don't mind unsweetened, straight up, sour liquor then maybe you could sip it without scrunching up your face.  I had to add liquid artificial sweetener just to finish it.  With a 12 % proof, you will feel something yet I think Jose Cuervo's light margarita might be better. 

http://youtu.be/lM1U78RLChY

The Dream

I don't usually wake up from a dream and wish I could close my eyes and fall right back into again.  Usually it's a relief.  The dream involves failing or getting lost.  It's always the same and never a wonderland I would want to stay in.  It's also not  hard to understand, so I don't know why my subconscious finds it necessary to keep repeating the same message.

But when my dad's in them they're the best.  He's with my mom by the ocean with the sun shining on their smiles so bright and warm. They're together again, happy, in some perfect world where nothing can change that.  I feel secure again and everything is right as it should be.

I used to think that in order to keep going after someone you loved died that you had to find a way to  say goodbye.  But it's not as final as that even though it feels like it is at first.  They're everywhere- in a song, a certain item, in your mannerisms... Just the fact that I'm up late at night, by myself and reflecting with a drink is him.

They may not be here in a physical sense but you can still see them in a much more profound way than before.  I used to push the memories away because I didn't want to keep feeling the loss. The pain doesn't leave, it just changes.  Now the flashbacks feel like little pieces of his heart that I get to keep with me to share with his grandchildren.

The Sign

My 8 ft. poster is now taking over the entire left front corner of the waiting room in the clinic. It's hard to miss.  It greets you with a giant cheesy grin like some overly enthusiastic, geeky chick ready to start dancing on the bar after drinking one light beer.  You can't help but notice.

As flattering as it is, it's still awkward sitting next to your own larger than life image. It's not something that I could have ever conceivably envisioned would happen to me when I could hardly button my size 24 pants.  I came into the clinic as a last ditch effort to lose weight, and never thought I would  even reach my goal let alone be on any of their printed advertising.  The photos were going to be for me as a way to celebrate changing my life and now maybe they can affect others...

How that smile crossed my face is still beyond me?  It must have been something funny my dad said about channeling my inner Mary Tyler Moore behind the intense photographer at the photo shoot, as grimacing from ear to ear isn't a typical expression for me. That and the fact that I was just really elated to be able to wear a dress again and to stand in front of a camera and not be embarrassed for once.

That day ranks up their with one of the best moments of my life not only because of that but because my father was there.  I didn't ask him to come because I didn't think it would interest him but he surprised me.  It was my last significant memory with him and so when I see it, I see him too.  In a way, it almost feels like a sign from him to let me know that he's got my back.

But I swear, if the staff isn't already tired of seeing me walk through the door for almost four years, they will be. I think there's also a picture of me on just about every wall at this point as if I'm entering my very own memorial. 

What could possibly be next - magazine covers, a guest appearance on Dr. Oz?  If  a doll comes out in my likeness, (with my father's nose and my trademark crooked smile and wide hips), then run for cover.  The end of the world is fast approaching!

That Might Work For Me

Two days later and I still can't stop coughing and blowing my nose. The pounding in my head is so excruciating that I can't even sleep. How much mucus can one body contain anyways?

It's time for the big guns. I'm enlisting Captain Morgan spiced rum to join my lemon honey infused jasmine tea forces. Victory will be ours!

That Doesn't Work For Me

3 bags of sugar free cherry cough drops, 2 boxes of Kleenex, and 1 box of lemon Thera-flu. It's been a fun and productive week and a half.  Thanks for not curing me, medicine.

Luckily, Coldplay has a song for this occasion too. Let's hope Chris Martin's strained falsetto can soothe my congested head.  (You'll have to  cue "Fix You" from memory since YouTube needs fixing too.)

That Works For Me

I used to wonder why people dreaded doing fairs/expos... Now, after being involved in a few, I have a new understanding.  You're essentially a salesman for the day which is no easy feat even with a great product and/or service and the real poster girl live in person.  Most people walk past you no matter how politely you try to engage them at health fairs.  But at business expos, you face some rudeness, a lot of rejection, and a mounting stack of business cards.  People approach you not because they're interested in what you have to offer but because they want your business. We Medi Angels tried but the most we got were a bunch of fit sales reps curious about checking out their BMI on our scales and a free beer offer from the IT guy at the table next to us.  (No matter how many times we remained professional and declined he felt it was his duty to come around every ten minutes just to check.)

While I enjoyed people repeatedly telling me I was "huge" in my before picture and having to shout over party music being blasted in the background, my favorite part was the quote of the day. "You have really beautiful eyes,"  when said at just the right time was more satisfying than any drink and with no calories too. Technically it's more of a compliment and not a quote but I think compliments should be used more like hard fast truths.  In fact, if done sincerely, think how much nicer everyones' day would be.

Thank you random stranger, for seeing makeup application as the true form of art that it is and for making an effort to recognize my magic trick even if it was besides the point.  I was feeling a little uneasy being out of my comfort zone and trying really hard not to show it.  You made me feel better and helped me smile genuinely in that moment.  I will take that and add that I admire your positive attitude and kind spirit.  I have to work a little more to exude what comes naturally to you.

Now, if only my eyes had the power to persuade everyone that looks at them to try the program.  It could happen and Coldplay could show up and sing Green Eyes just for me at the next event, right?

http://www.youtu.be/8u3igE9q6CI