Give 25

So it's been awhile since I lasted posted anything, mostly due to being busy working way too much overtime and having little inspiration.  And when something does move me, do I want to share it?  While these incidents are not always negative, I have a tendency, (like many people), to avoid opening up.  Take my weight issues.  I guess you could say I used to turn to food rather than deal with intense emotions and even though I don't do that now, I will still go to great lengths not to talk about things that deeply affect me.  Not knowing where to start, I'll begin with a list that includes some of these experiences- the good, the bad, and the ugly. It may take awhile...

1. I find Facebook annoying. I use it mainly to connect with my mother who I don't see as much as I used to and dislike people who use it as a means to argue about politics, bash others or gloat about themselves. Then there's all of the tagging. No one should ever post memories about your deceased father without your permission on your  timeline unless they are immediate family or knew him the way I knew him.  Good intentions and all still don't give you the right to act on my behalf  about something you don't know about and is none of your business.  All it did was mix anger into an already difficult observance of his passing.  Overbearing people should spend more time worrying about their own lives.

2.  My father once said I was one of the strongest people he knew. I  hear that moment replay in my head when I know I need to do something I'm reluctant to do. I still have some of his ashes. I couldn't spread all of them in the ocean.

3. When I can let him go, it will be into the most beautiful waters I come across. The waves off the coast of The Bahamas are a strong contender... so far.

4.  He used to also tell me I should be a model in my early twenties. I posed for some pictures for a weight loss clinic after losing over a hundred pounds through their program when I was about 37.  He and my mother were there to celebrate the moment with me.

5.  What I thought were photographs for my own personal achievement were later published in local magazines and life size banners for a few of the local clinics.  I drove 30 minutes out of my way just out of curiosity to see my sign outside of a one and cried behind my sunglasses to the point of a full blown migraine by the time I pulled into my driveway. Seeing them at a nearby mall was a near a full on, public meltdown.

6.  The song "Signs" by Tesla reminds me of a teenage friend who was rebellious and would randomly sing it just to get me to laugh. She died in a freak car accident at the age of 25. I always belt it out in my car and smile when I hear it.

7.  I sing in the car all the time. In my mind I'm a rock star putting having that epic moment that blows the crowd away.  I can only imagine how crazy I must look to other drivers.

8. Speaking of "crazy"... I have a degree in psychology but spend my day single handedly managing and running a department that fills some prescriptions for people who have mental problems that live in assisted living facilities. It comes in handy when I talk to them. They can have breakdowns and be baker acted if I can't get their refill requests.

9. I also help hospice patients too. They can experience hardcore pain and possibly die if I can't get their meds. So far, so good.

10. I get easily stressed but am trying to have a little more faith that it will all be ok. I could probably benefit from taking Xanex myself.

11.  I've never done any drugs. I even gave birth naturally, (twice), although not by choice.  Thanks to my Mother's genes, my labor time was short but I felt every bit of it. Two nurses on either side of me, pressed down on my uterus as hard as possible and my first born son was born a few minutes later. The umbilical cord wrapped around him in the birth canal and there was no time for an emergency c section. The birth of my second son wasn't as traumatic but was twice as painful with the addition of vomit. These are my war stories.

12.   I have done alcohol. On a few occasions I have over done it but generally prefer a good buzz over a hangover any day. Growing up around alcoholism in my family, I didn't drink until I was 21 and am good with just one drink every once in awhile. I even won a dance contest in The Bahamas completely sober. I can turn up on my own will when the beat is right.

13.  My main vice is food. From having to go clothes shopping in the women's section at 8 years old to needing to eat something at 13 to not be hospitalized for anorexia, to ballooning up 100 pounds with my pregnancies, I have been to both extremes a couple of times.  While I've had a handle on falling into those traps for a few years, I still can't say that I don't have moments when I food seems like the enemy and I never want to go to the grocery store ever again or I desperately need anything heavily coated in sugar as soon as possible.   I know it will pass and I channel my actions into a less destructive activity  but damn if I don't  still struggle with it sometimes. I have a love/hate relationship with it but am more apathetic about it the older I become. I don't want my weight to be my only story.

14.  I'm more apathetic about everything really, which saddens me.  I used to smile and laugh more. I'm not an angry, numb person. It's just harder to find those moments of joy when you're busy and worn out sometimes.

15.  I have a history of fainting randomly and even gave myself a black eye and a broken tooth the last time it happened. I get increasingly more lightheaded and dizzy to the point where I don't like to go places by myself, in case I end up face down on the floor again..  I think it's related to back problems and intense nerve pain but am afraid to go see a doctor.

16.  I am not afraid of Justin Timberlake though. I wouldn't consider him the hottest celebrity but, for some odd reason, I recently had a dream that he was serenading me and I liked it?! Maybe he'll come visit me in the hospital as my Make a Wish if I become gravely ill.

17. What's also strange is that many of my celebrity crushes through the years, (George Michael, Richard Chamberlain circa The Thornebirds, Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Stipe...), are gay.

18.  I've never been with a woman but have been propositioned by one. I did once hold my friend's hand while bar hopping, but only because she was drunk and I was afraid she would stumble onto the road. Sometimes you gotta help your girl.

19. My older brother is gay and the founder of a Bear app. He wasn't attractive enough by Grinder standards to join their site so he created his own. He now travels the world, owns two homes, and is living large. I am insanely jealous.

20. He also just spent the day in the ER with blood glucose of 448. He's  only three years older than my and now has diabetes..My Dad had diabetes and died at 68. I'm insanely worried.

21.  My sister can't eat anything without drinking warm water first (severe Gurd), my younger brother is obese and just had back surgery, my oldest brother is an alcoholic, my mother has trouble walking and remembering, and my husband is am recovering addict who still relapses.  My biggest fear is getting that phone call. I  don't want to lose them.

22.   When I was 14 I gained membership into The Young Leaders Society. Only one Freshman boy and one Freshman girl from each high school in the county were chosen. I was a prime example of the future trying not appear too geeky while sitting next to my super cute male counterpart on the bus during our monthly meetings.

23.  I'm actually looking forward to menopause as I will no longer have to endure the crazy ass pain my current monthly meeting brings me now. It can't be any worse.

24.  Even though this post is a little heavy, I still have a decent sense of humor despite having long standing  issues with depression. I don't even have to try with the puns and shit, it's just there at times like a gift, even if I'm the only laughing at my remarks. That's ok with me. :)

25.  "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey, as cheesy as it may be, never gets old to me.  I still feel like there are more moments of glory and more moments to remember out there. Sometimes you create them and other times they just happen.