The Dream

I don't usually wake up from a dream and wish I could close my eyes and fall right back into again.  Usually it's a relief.  The dream involves failing or getting lost.  It's always the same and never a wonderland I would want to stay in.  It's also not  hard to understand, so I don't know why my subconscious finds it necessary to keep repeating the same message.

But when my dad's in them they're the best.  He's with my mom by the ocean with the sun shining on their smiles so bright and warm. They're together again, happy, in some perfect world where nothing can change that.  I feel secure again and everything is right as it should be.

I used to think that in order to keep going after someone you loved died that you had to find a way to  say goodbye.  But it's not as final as that even though it feels like it is at first.  They're everywhere- in a song, a certain item, in your mannerisms... Just the fact that I'm up late at night, by myself and reflecting with a drink is him.

They may not be here in a physical sense but you can still see them in a much more profound way than before.  I used to push the memories away because I didn't want to keep feeling the loss. The pain doesn't leave, it just changes.  Now the flashbacks feel like little pieces of his heart that I get to keep with me to share with his grandchildren.