Sweet Escape

(Curious George trying to put the squeeze on me. The things a mother does for free beads for her sons.)

The big Universal Studios weekend extravaganza kicks off way too early tomorrow morning. It sounds very anti-mom but there's a big part of me that wishes I could suddenly come down with some rare bug with a remarkably quick recovery time, to avoid it altogether.

I'm just not a roller coaster person. Every time I make an earnest attempt by at least going on the water flumes or the weak roller coaster geared for preschoolers, but I don't think I'll ever be able to rip, ride and rock it without shaking uncontrollably in the aftermath. I want to tackle that fear and be that person who can't wait to feel the thrill of a 200 ft. straight free fall, but just looking up at such a looming sight only serves to remind me that heaven may not be as far away as I think. Last time, I made the mistake of going on the Jurassic Park water ride and The Mummy back to back--never again. First, I had to endure the terror of a giant animatronic dinosaur attempting to bite my head off as I careened down a never ending waterfall of fog. Then, it was off to the dark catacombs of the king's pyramid where my contacts were quickly seared onto my eyes as random blasts of fire smacked my face while being whipped around in every direction. Afterwards, the "men" were ready for round two and so was I. Normally, one takes Xanax for special panic attack occassions such as this, but two unbelievably overpriced Jamaican me relax drinks at Bob Marley's steady the nerves too.

But at least there's Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras at a fake Bourbon St. with our children. How am I supposed to get any beads in a family friendly environment? Mommy hasn't partied in eleven years!!! The hotel on site offers babysitting at quite a steep hourly rate yet we were going to take advantage of this to take in the free concert until we found out who was performing. It's Akon. I'm married to a con. What could he possibly bring to the table that I haven't already seen? I like his two word "woo hoo" contribution to Gwen Stefani's hit but can't listen to his new song without rolling my eyes in disgust. I don't even know what it's called, something about a woman he spots in da club who's "nothing like your neighborhood ho." He goes onto say that he's trying to describe her without being disrespectful...really? Try a little harder. Maybe don't go on about her bootie acrobatics. She'll be dropping that ass alright -- YOU. Then you'll have to sing your other song to her. The one where you repeat that you want to make up right now a record amount of times. I think you need to take a page from Aretha Franklin's book and find out what R-E-S-P-E-C-T means. Of course this icon takes the stage next week, when I can't make it. At least the boys will have a great time and there is a new Harry Potter ride which vaguely promises to be open sometime this spring.

(One of Akon's "sweeter" songs. It's all turns highly suggestive though after his shirt comes off.)